Living In The Gray (In L.A.)

Hi, (covers face) two years later! Time flies when you’re having fun…

Fun refashioning my life for real for real that is…living life in a space that has always been scary to me – the gray.

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So, first things first – I moved back to my home state California in July of 2017. Los Angeles to be exact. This is my dream apartment in my dream city – Hollywood.

A huge leap of faith and the best decision I’ve made in a long time. A decision I made before I moved to New York almost a decade ago. My mom and I would always talk about how I would only stay on the east coast for a couple of years until finally moving back west. Close to her and closer to my dream of working as an actress in Hollywood.

However the years passed fast and right when I was ready to move back to California, so did my mom.

“Well, I guess home will have a new meaning for me now,” I thought. “I will just stay in New York forever I guess.”

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The Universe yelled a big fat “no” the moment I had this thought.

I ignored it for five years.

Which was easy for the first three years since grief was the loudest voice in my life then. But then I started to get on the better side of sorrow and the “no” to New York got louder and louder. So, once it got to an all out roar and I was truly miserable, I moved.

Home. To my home state and the dream that both my mom and I always knew would be waiting for me.

I had to leave a lot of things, people, habits and thoughts behind in order to be obedient to my destiny. So I hope you forgive my absence.

I have been learning to live in the gray and have refashioned a new way of life in the process. And long story short, it is getting more and more comfortable day by day.

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Speaking of comfortable, I made this gray jumpsuit using a buttery soft gray knit fabric I picked up for less than an oat milk latte (my new favorite thing) in L.A.’s Fashion District. It was my first visit after living here for almost two years, and it won’t be my last!

Shoot, I had so much fun making the jogger and crop sweatshirt that I whipped up a matching crop top tank. You know,  just to make sure this whole set is “year round” ready in this “year round” perfect weather.

Overall, it was the perfect “welcome back home” sewing project since I spend a lot of time in my dream Hollywood apartment – hosting friends, screenwriting (more on this later) and simply relaxing on my cozy couch. Which is also gray by the way. 😉

See, embracing the gray through and through over here! LOL

Thanks for your patience while I was away, boo.

So much more to share, so see you soon! I am sew excited.

From Motherless To Fearless

Has it really been three Mother’s Days without my mother? This is what I asked myself earlier this week when I realized that many of the things I have been dreaming of were coming true. I booked my first magazine feature, I started auditioning for film and television again (my last audition was right before my mother passed) and I am on the brink of a huge change (more on this coming soon). However most importantly, I am living the life I prayed I would be able to live after my mom passed.

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The joy is overflowing and I tear up just thinking of the days when I thought this feeling would never be possible without my favorite person here on earth with me.

Yes, there are still rough days. Days where I still can’t believe that I am motherless. However the fearless life that loosing my mother has required me to live has been so gratifying.

It is true what they say about the grief never getting easier.

It is also true that you get stronger.

So while things are on the up and up this year, I wanted to share the three things that have made the last three years not only bearable, but unbelievable.

Of course I made this black dress yesterday while thinking of these things, and per usual, the gems that I’ve refashioned my life with after loss all revealed themselves one stitch at a time.

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Don’t Rush The Process

Just like I was one to make an entire dress the day of the event I planned to wear it to, I also rushed the grieving process in the beginning. Working a lot, hanging out a lot, dating a lot and drinking a lot. Recycling the emotions from one of the above to the next, until I realized by year two that I was going to end up worse off than I was on July 25, 2013 (the day my mother passed), if I didn’t slow down.

So when I was sewing this dress, on and off, during yesterday’s rainy day here in New York city, I wasn’t focused on the time. Instead I was focused on the process. Adding a top stitch here and a trim on the inside here and there. No one will ever see these little details up close. But I know I put the work in, and this is the part that makes you proud. Same in this healing process. Now that I have a grip on grief I can smile thinking of this truth – I’ve put in the work, and this work has turned my tears into triumphs.

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Embrace How Being Motherless Has Made You Fearless

“I don’t take this life for granted.” This simple phrase was a go-to affirmation in my life prior to losing my mom, yes. But when you really see what is left after life is gone, you can’t help but live differently.

And my different is that I am more fearless than most can even comprehend, including myself sometimes.

This boldness I have taken on in life was alarming at first, because I always considered myself to be a risk taker. But now it is super amplified. Yes I still feel fear. I mean I am not a super human guys. But nothing really scares me to the point of complacency anymore.

It’s wild over here. And super liberating to truly live life as if each day may be your last.

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Turn Your Memories Into Motivators

While many people are out celebrating and honoring their mothers in the flesh today, there are many of us out there who can only celebrate and honor them through the memories.

Challenging and ever changing, this new way of “celebration” has been interesting these past three years. One year I got a tattoo in honor of my mother. Barely thought it out. But love it so much today, so thank goodness that worked out. One year I went to be with her entire family, although I wanted to be alone. That taught me the lesson of selflessness in the midst of grief. She was more than my mom, and I would forget that a lot the first year. And this year, I played it by ear and did whatever my spirit lead me to do. Makes sense since (scroll up) being in the moment is my main motivator in this motherless life.

Overall the journey has been up, down and all around. But I count it all joy, because as the young kids say, “life is lit right now!”

I will celebrate this. I will celebrate the answered prayer of joy after sorrow. I will celebrate that while I may be motherless, I am definitely fearless!

P.S. If you have been following along since I started this blog – yes, I’ve made this dress before (creature of habit). But I made a few changes and added a lot of small details. So it looks the same, but it is definitely not.

Kind of like me. 😉

 

 

Off The Shoulder. On Trend.

Better late than never. That’s what I told myself when I stepped out in this summer project on the first day of fall. In my head I totally thought I would bang out tons of summer dresses. I mean, sleeveless projects are so easy to pump out…at least that’s what I told myself all winter.

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Well, I am so sad to say, that I made none of those summer dresses and now that the temperatures have dropped I need to force my imagination into the “sleeved” sewing world.

And I will, soon. I promise. But first I am going to take a few twirls around the block in my “on trend” #OTS dresses.

Yes, plural.

I mean this is obviously becoming a “trend” for me – making the same project in many different colors. And fabrics.

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I love how this black material moves and I love that I was actually able to fit into this magenta version.

Seriously, I let out the biggest exhale when I tried it on. See, I made the magenta dress first and noticed my measurements were a bit off. So after accepting the fact that it may be at OTS crop top instead, I started on the black one. You know, as a back up plan.

Well turns out the magenta material had a little more stretch that expected. So pow! Two dresses, two different fits, same pattern.

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Fabric is cool like that. And I appreciate the lessons that this project provided.

Like always, I try and hear my mother’s voice under the hum of my Singer, and this time the lesson was be flexible Robbie.

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I totally needed this simple reminder as the seasons change simply because I am at a crossroads in my other passion RAD Experience. Also doubled as my career, I have been struggling to find the balance between RAD business and RAD pleasure. My creative mind always feels at odds with my entrepreneur mind and when the tension gets to be too much (as in this entire summer) I end up just tabling everything all together.

In short, I basically took the summer off.

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It felt like I was going through the motions most days, so taking the time off showed me the RAD power in “doing nothing until you feel something.”

This is major growth for me and I’m glad I was able to walk away from “being busy for busy’s sake.”

It is amazing how the power of stillness makes us more flexible overall.

My mother was really good at embodying this duality.

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So while these dresses started in one season, made their debut in the next and will probably be worn for seasons to come I am at peace with this same journey in my career.

Seasons change. So should we…

So like that magenta fabric, I trust that everything will not only work out in the end, but will fit just right.  And like the black dress, I understand that back up plans are sometimes a good idea.

Thanks OTS dresses for showing me the beauty in taking it one day, one design and one season at a time.

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Working It Out

Sweating will always be my go to. The stress that grief tends to bring around this time of the year – the time my mother passed, can be overwhelming. So since I spend most of my time literally “working it out” I decided to design some workout clothes this month.

I had this gray material leftover from a sweatshirt I made over the winter and still love how it feels against my skin – super soft.

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The high/low hem is not only stylish but functional since I love a good crop top but dislike having my bum exposed while wearing leggings.

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And since it took less than an hour to make I’m sure I will be making more colors and even test out different fabrics.

Been daydreaming about a dress version of this shape to throw on post gym. And after seeing a very similar option at Topshop (here) I think I will be adding this option to the list as well.

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Sweaty for my sanity and love having the opportunity to really have creative control over my favorite #fitspiration affirmation – “You feel good when you look good!”

Do workouts help you work things out? Let me know below.